The Topic of Weight

A few years ago, I lost a lot of weight.  When I say a lot, I mean a lot for me.  I lost 10 pounds off my only 106-pound, 5'3" frame.  I looked and felt terrible, so I went to the doctor.  She told me it was likely stress-related (this all accompanied lots of anxiety and panic attacks), to eat milkshakes and such to help me put the pounds back on.  The only problem was, I didn't have a craving for them.  The only food that sounded remotely good to eat was fresh produce.  Even the idea of fast food made my stomach churn.  People told me I was lucky, that they'd give anything to have my problem so they could eat whatever they wanted.  I wanted to slap them.

Much to my frustration, the loss of appetite was only part of it.  I got car sick every time I rode somewhere.  I didn't feel hungry until I would suddenly have the sensation that I would faint if I didn't eat.  Sometimes I would see stars and feel shooting pains down my arms and legs.  And I knew I looked rough to other people, because I looked rough to myself.  I missed what little curves I had had and worried that maybe something bigger might be wrong.  But I worried silently, except to my then-boyfriend, who was sweet enough to offer to pick me up any kind of food I might suddenly have a craving for.

In the meantime, it felt like people kept bringing up weight around me.  At family gatherings, parties, running into people at the mall, etc.  I went to church with my parents once and saw a former high school classmate outside as we were leaving.

"Hey!" I called and walked over to her.  "You look great!  And your teeth look awesome -- when do you get your braces off??"

To which she replied, "I get them off soon.  You look awful.  You're so skinny.  It's sick."

I stood there trying to smooth the conversation (always my first thought, never to defend myself) and said, "Oh, yeah.  I guess I'm trying to put my weight back on.  I wish I had your curves, but I think my youngest sister inherited all that our genes had to offer."

And Annelise, the youngest, came walking over just in time to provide me with an excuse to leave.  She was only 13, but she had the womanly curves of a much older teenager.  Great boobs, hourglass figure, cute butt.  She made me look like a prepubescent boy walking beside her.

I brushed the comment off as typical of this girl, who never had a filter between her nosy thoughts and her mouth.  But it still let me know that people saw what I saw.  And I probably ate a milkshake a day for a week.

Then came the baby shower for a high school age friend of my little sister's, a soon-to-be single mom.  We had known this girl when we were kids, and I went to show my support.  At her shower, I never even looked around at people's weights.  Just as I never have.  I talked to people, asked about the baby.  And the women kept telling me how skinny I was, that I needed to put some weight on.  "You gotta get fat like us!" one yelled, and the surrounding crowd laughed.

They served the cake to us while we sat watching the mother open her gifts, gushing over the tiny booties and onesies and such.  I wasn't paying attention to the cake the woman must have put in front of me until she screeched, "This one gets a big piece, cause she's too scrawny!"  And again with the laughter.  And my mortification.  I mean, the woman interrupted the girl we were all there for to call me out of a crowd for my weight.  I just pretended to laugh and tried to shovel the sugary insult down my throat.

But all of this brings me to a question - is it any more appropriate to tell people they are too thin than it is to tell them they are too fat?  In a mirrored situation, would everyone have laughed if a room full of thin people had given a curvy girl a tiny slice of cake, announcing, "Cause she needs to drop a few pounds!"  And why do people pay so much attention to weight anyway?  Some people who are very close to me like to make comments about people's weight - calling attention to overweight others in parking lots or at restaurants.  It has always made me terribly uncomfortable.  I can't help but think about my struggle with weight (one that has improved over the years so that I'm now back to about 104 - yess!!!!).  It was nothing, I'm sure, in comparison with what some people experience.  Some of us can hide our struggles on the inside, but others aren't so fortunate.  So let's all share a slice of humble pie and practice looking beyond the shape to the person within.